TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, town Traditionally noted for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be tremendous. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the greatest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely away from place. Built by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable h2o. But yes, absolutely sure, let's have A different location where American Adult men can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When prior negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: supply everyone a set on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate energy," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It is that he must halt making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the job, replied, "You know, gentleman, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent folks. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping kinds a large Trump head seen from space, a attribute being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and also the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after finding the setting up's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It can be not only unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Perplexing Attributes


Probably the strangest aspect on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which company could contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, recently leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Endlessly."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is Trump Tower Damascus wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator into the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is already attracting consideration from Worldwide investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree may even contain:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel exactly where my PTSD may have change-down provider."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It wanted gold. It desired a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You might be welcome."

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